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Day 5

So , walking up to school this morning, no hangover , alert, not feeling seedy. A bit weird actually, did everything I was suppose to do this morning , lunches, dressed, breakfast. All without a hangover and not in slow mo.  I’m kinda loving it, I mean I’m not saying I haven’t thought about wine, coz I have a lot, an awful lot.

i woke up, after a good nights sleep, didn’t wake up during the night, not once. Normally I’d be getting up skulling  juice from the bottle in the middle of the night, taking a big glass back to bed, coz of the dries.

Took my daughter to swimming lessons, normally I’d be so tired and drained sitting there, hoping for the lesson to be over because I felt like utter shit. Not today , actually watched her, enjoyed watching her. Makes me sad to think how checked out I must have been, just going through the motions and not even enjoying being a mum. Just being a shit mum.

Of course I cooked my kids dinner, went on school trips , helped out in the classroom, swimming lessons, dance lessons. Worked, play dates, homework all that stuff. But I had totally emotionally checked out, not enjoying these moments, either hungover or waiting till 430 wine o’clock. Where I could emotionally check out again.

After school my middle son has swimming lessons at 4, usually I would promise myself I wasn’t going to drink tonite. But of course I’d swing by the alcohol shop straight after, picking up a bottle of wine. I’d usually have a half drunk one in the fridge anyway, so a bottle and a half would do me fine tonite.

The damage I have done to my poor body over the years. Treating it like absolute shit.

X

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Ok ok so it’s only day 4. Have started a new job, didn’t really have time to think much about me not drinking wine. Good I Spose, except when I was driving home and thought yay a wine when I get home. Nope. Can’t.

Like seriously, not even 1? No coz it’s not ever just 1, is it?

I actually have 3 bottles here, one in the house 2 in the garage.  In the garage you might ask, well this is where I got to this point.

Last Thursday, I decided to have a bottle of wine, nearly downed the whole thing, a I text my husband on the way home from work to buy another I couldn’t possibly run out, not this early right? Then a friend turnt up with a bottle. Husband came home and dumped 3 Pinot Gris on the table,  he obviously had decided to buy in bulk , as he probably was sick and tired of stopping every nite on the way home, or having to go back down the road as I begged for another bottle.

I woke up next  morning, feeling like shit, tired, bleary eyed , mind foggy.

Oh shit did I really ring my sister last nite, crying my eyes out over some fucking crap,  guilty.

Opening the fridge to see if I’d really drunk that much wine, there was no bottles in the fridge, I really couldn’t have drunk the lot , I went into the garage and checked the fridge, my husband had obviously taken them out of the inside fridge and put them in the garage one, obviously so I wouldn’t drink them all last nite, as I was already shit faced when he got home.

Thats when it hit me, he’s now hiding wine from me so I don’t drink myself into , God knows what. I mean it couldn’t get much worse than the state I was in last nite. Once again , how Fucken embarrassing. I even remember hiccuping while talking to my sis on the phone.

This makes me so sad even writing this to myself.  That’s not even a taste of the stupid , embarrassing shit I’ve done in the 20 or so more years I’ve been pouring wine down my throat.

I know I’m gonna have to dig deep and relive those foggy memories to get through this sobriety thing.

xxx

 

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Who am I?

Totally freaking out, I turn 40 in a couple of months.

All my girlfriends and Hubbys are going away for my 40th to Queenstown, now that is going to be drunken debauchery.

All my friends 40th’s are coming up , I have a big one this weekend , they are big drinkers,super fun, and crazy. Like me, like I was, how am I gonna go unnoticed? I’m not really ready to tell people I’m not drinking…ever.

I’ve already seen posts up on FB of champagne breakfasts, I’m so bloody nervous.

That’s how the last couple of months have gotten me to this point, I was starting to become really nervous about drinking, I never knew what was gonna happen , how smashed id get. What I’d say to my husband, would we get in another arguement about my drinking? He also is one of those people , sometimes he will have 3 beers then leave it a week . I wish I was one of them.

But No, I am not. Everyday about 4 o’clock was a special occasion. If I’d had an awesome day with the kids, I’d drink. If it was a bad day I’d drink. If friends were coming over, if they weren’t I’d drink. If My kitchen rules was on tv ,

Fuck any occasion , I’d drink!

I always thought it was the ciggies that was the problem,yes I smoke too. But I ain’t giving that up just yet too. I’d think I would feel like shit the next day coz I smoked too many fags, which I did. But wine made me smoke more, smoking wasn’t making me do embarrassing, shameful things. Regretting shit I’d said or done the night before. Smoking wasn’t getting me wasted, Smoking wasn’t ruining my life. Yeah it’s not healthy, but I’ll give that up later on.

Sober is the new black

well that’s what I’m telling myself

Laters x

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Ok so it’s Sunday Morning, day 3, no hangover . Except I actually feel like I have one. I don’t know if that’s what happens at day 3. How would I know i don’t know if I’ve ever been that long with out wine?

Last night I went to one of my Besties for dinner with the kids. Did slightly confide in her that I had a drinking problem, she’s a non-drinker. Well she drinks maybe 3 times a year, seriously, but she can take it or leave it. I can’t, obviously. She didn’t say much, I didn’t tell her I was going to try and give up wine, she wouldn’t believe me, hell I don’t even know if I believe myself?

Today is my brother in laws birthday , we are going to the in laws for lunch, they’ll be alcohol, but they don’t over do it. Normally I always say No, as it’s an early lunch and I’m always mostly hungover from the night before. I also can’t stop once I start, I don’t want 1 or 2 casual drinks, I want to get slaughtered. I’m normally 6-10 kinda gal.

A bit about my escapades later down the track and how I hit rock bottom, not ready to tell those yet, even to myself. Tragic.

Good vibes my way

Xxxxx

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W.T.F

Holy shit , how the hell did I end up here, 2 days sober. I’m freaking the fuck out. I know it’s only 2 days, and I’ve been thinking about wine all day. I knew I had a problem that had gotten out of control, but I thought , when I want to give up I could and would. No worries. Boy was I wrong. I’m terrified, terrified I won’t be fun anymore, terrified everyone will judge me,terrified I can’t ever taste those delicious bubbles swirling around in my mouth , oh that taste. But most of all terified I won’t be able to give up. I have to remember the reasons I’m doing this. Wine doesn’t make my life better, it makes it really shit actually. I’m tired , hungover, grumpy , guilty, and so much more. Wish me luck , I’m gonna bloody need it.

Must stay strong

Check in tomoz

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